Attachment Theory in Couples Therapy

by Janey Saunders, t-LMFT

Have you ever wondered why relationship distress hurts so much? 

Why does the mood of our partners impact our own thoughts, feelings, and perception of ourselves?

What is it about our partners that the simple sight of them can be calming to our nervous system? 

We can look to the theory of attachment to provide some answers to these and other questions.

John Bowlby, the pioneering mind behind much of the early attachment theory research and development, explained attachment as the relationship one has with primary figures across a lifespan. Starting from birth, an infant is totally reliant on their attachment figures. The basics of human needs, water, food, shelter, human contact, comfort, and safety are given to the infant by these attachment figures. Infants grow accustomed to and, in some ways, expectant of their caregiver fulfilling these needs. But what happens when these needs are met regularly, irregularly, unexpectedly, or never at all?

Bowlby identified four types of attachment that can develop based on the relationship between infants and their caregivers: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is created within relationships when the physical, mental, and emotional needs of individuals are met in a consistent, loving, flexible, and understanding manner. An individual with a secure attachment is physically safe from threat and danger. Securely attachment individuals are emotionally open, willing to communicate feelings and needs, and seek out help in times of struggles. 

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached individuals did not have their needs consistently met during infancy and childhood. Parental/caregiver responses were unpredictable or inconsistent. In one situation, the infant’s crying could be met with a loving, caring response from caregivers; compared to another, where the infant’s crying was met with a hostile or annoyed response. Anxiously attached individuals learn to become hyperaware of their caregiver’s emotions, as a way to protect their own emotions and needs, and to gain some sense of order and structure.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment is usually developed when an infant cannot rely on their caregiver to attune to their needs. The infant learns that even if they are displaying behaviors that signal a need, their caregivers typically do not react to or try to address the need. An individual with this attachment style learns to rely heavily on themselves and develops distrust or suspicion of others.

Fearful Attachment

Fearful attachment, also commonly referred to as disorganized attachment, is most commonly associated with experiences of extreme childhood trauma, including abuse and neglect. The attachment figure is no longer associated with safety and comfort, but rather a person to be feared and avoided. Disorganized attached individuals are torn between wanting to establish a relationship with their attachment figure and being fearful of forming attachment due to the pain and distrust given in response by their caregiver.

Now, I know what you may be thinking: I myself, or someone I know, or my own children might not have a secure attachment – does that mean there is no hope of reaching a secure attachment? The answer is no! Attachment styles are flexible, malleable, and are developed with more than one person. Changes in attachment styles can be achieved through identification, openness for exploration and change, as well as effort and intention.

From infancy to old age, attachment is ever present and ever changing. Talk with your therapist, or schedule an intake session today, to improve or establish a secure attachment with your loved ones.

To schedule an appointment with Janey or another provider at MWR Counseling, contact us 319.250.1267, or schedule online here.

Sources:

Cherry, K. (2025, January 29). What is attachment theory? VeryWell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337

Green, R. (2023, June 20). What disorganized attachment looks like in a relationship. VeryWell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/disorganized-attachment-in-relationships-7500701

Marschall, A. (2025, July 07). Signs you have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. VeryWell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-preoccupied-attachment-style-5214833

McLeod, S. (2025, May 20). Attachment theory in psychology. SimplyPsychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html